Welcome, welcome to- Poemy DOT net. Where the P comes before the o, the e before the m, etc .etc. etc.! Where Graham Chapman, the first to die - so, naturally the best.. And now, for something completely different.

I'd like to appologize for any misspelling on this site due to a- heavy accent.

And now.. on- to the sketches.

The scripts! Oh, how I love the scripts! Fan-tastic, yes. Yes, marvelous marvelous. THE scripts please...

Series One:

Episode(s): 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Series Two:

Episode(s): 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26

Series Three:

Episode(s): 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39

Series Four:

Episode(s): 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45 (End)

Aired from: Oct 1969 to Dec 1974 - - - - - [ Click Here: MORE INFO ]

See.. What you do is.. Click the tiny bits of numbers and you shall enter the specific episode- specified. It's quite ingenious really. Well, unless of course you can't read this font. But thats beside the point.

A sample from episode one:

Colour code: John Cleese - Michael Palin - Eric Idle - Graham Chapman - Terry Jones - Terry Gilliam - Carol Cleveland

A seashore. Some way out to sea a ragged man is struggling his way to shore. Slowly and with difficulty he makes his way up onto the beach, flops down exhausted and announces:
It's Man It's...
Voice Over Monty Python's Flying Circus.
Titles beginning with words "Monty Python's Flying Circus". Various bizarre things happen. When titles end:
Ordinary grey-suited announcer standing by desk. He smiles confidently.
Announcer Good evening. - - - - - [ Click Here: READ MORE ]

And that was that.

Well that wasn't very long now was it..

Wasn't long enough? Look- you silly little titwit. Just click the bloody number and see it all. I can't very well waste an entire page for simply a sample episode, just to satisfy you. This is just an in-dex page. Not for a bunch of useless words to take up space.. (sigh) Look at what you've made me done.

Get on with it!

Right. Well, that was rather pointless now wasn't it. And now for the FAQ (Frequently Asked Questions).

- Question : " Why is your font so small? "
- Answer : When will you people learn?.. Smaller is better! We can't have everyone driving around in SUV's now, can we?

- Question : " Does the creator of this site think he's funny? The way he's gone and constructed this site.. With his little ramblings- Does he think he's British?.. "
- Answer : British? Oh good heaven's no. I haven't got the teeth for it. As for funny,. I'll say.. sometimes. Yes, sometimes.

And now- about the actors..

John Cleese: An instigator of some of the more groundbreaking developments in twentieth-century comedy, John Cleese is one of Britain's best-known actors, writers, and comedians. Famous primarily for his comic efforts, such as the television series Fawlty Towers and the exploits of the Monty Python troupe, he has also become a well-respected actor in his own right. Born John Marwood Cleese (after his...
- - - - [ Click Here: READ MORE ] (w/ Timeline)

Michael Palin: British actor/satirist Michael Palin first demonstrated his writing and performing skills at Oxford University's Experimental Theatre Club. Almost immediately upon graduation, Palin was snatched up by the BBC, which made excellent use of his scathing wit and thespic versatility in such series as Twice a Fortnight and The Complete and Utter History of Britain. A relative latecomer to the fabled...
- - - - [ Click Here: READ MORE ] (w/ Timeline)

Graham Chapman: While attending Cambridge University, Leicester-born Graham Chapman met and befriended fellow student John Cleese. Sharing a keen sense of the ridiculous, Chapman and Cleese formed a writing/performing team, contributing scripts to a variety of BBC radio and TV shows, most notably Doctor in the House. They also wrote for such satirical films as The Magic Christian (1969) and Rentadick...
- - - - [ Click Here: READ MORE ] (w/ Timeline and Obituary)

Terry Jones: Unlike many of his fellow Monty Python-ites, who were educated at Cambridge, actor/writer/director Terry Jones attended Cambridge's arch-rival Oxford, where he worked with the Experimental Theatre Club. Upon his graduation, Jones was hired as a BBC staff writer. From 1969 to 1972, he was one of the comedy conspirators on the internationally popular Monty Python's Flying Circus,...
- - - - [ Click Here: READ MORE ] (w/ Timeline)

Eric Idle:The "matinee idol" of the motley Monty Python crew, Eric Idle attended Cambridge University, where he served as president of the Footlights Revue. Idle's fellow college troupers included future Pythonites John Cleese and Graham Chapman. After getting his start on such TV series as Do Not Adjust Your Set and The Frost Report, Idle served as performer and co-writer for the zany weekly series Monty...
- - - - [ Click Here: READ MORE ] (w/ Timeline)

Well then. Quite a lot of words wouldn't you say? Like maybe, oooh I don't know.. a bit too much for one page?

Be quiet!

Ah, yes. I'd like to have a look at your wallpaper gallery please.

Would you?- I've only got three, but they do come in three different sizes each. So it's almost like having nine wallpapers. Ah, and here's one now.

(Carol Cleveland)

Thats not what I asked for! This is a picture of a young woman. Not even at the right wallpaper proportion.

What- Don't you like it?

Oh, no- no. She's very attractive- (...) Just not what I asked for.. It's not a question of whether I liked it.

Are you.. (looks around)

Oh God no-

Well. If you don't like what I have.. I suggest you leave!

Look- I just wanted some bloody wallpapers!

Right. Alright.. Give me a minute- You can watch the clock if you'd like.


Oh, here we are.

800x600 - 1024x768
- 1600x1200
800x600 - 1024x768
- 1600x1200
800x600 - 1024x768
- 1600x1200

Perfect, perfect! Wait a minute.. Why's it got this link in large letters running across the bottom? Well, there is- one here that doesn't.. Nope, they all do.

Oh, the BBC thing- Yes, It is rather annoying, isn't it?.. But it is- free. Well- I'll tell you what.. Cut off the bottom if you'd like.

There's brilliance in this world after all.. I might just try that.

Do you need anything else?..

What have you GOT- Tell ME!

Fine, fine- Here's a rather interesting bit..

"Christopher's Punctured Romance." Help!, ed. Harvey Kurtzman (May 1965). With John Cleese as Christopher Barrel, Cindy Young as Wilma Barrel.

INTRO: "Behold Christopher Barrel, returning dutifully home to his wife, Wilma Barrel - with a case of ennui. Look at him. This sort of thing happens to a man. Too much sameness, too much tedium, too much everything everyday and then the ennui sets in. Some survive, some never get out of it and some never notice, but to some there is An Occurrence.."

(14 Pages Total)

'Christopher's Punctured Romance', with John Cleese. - - - - [ READ HERE ]

Good greif! Is that really John Cleese- I mean I know it is, but he looks rather normal in a sense.

He's all grown up now it seems. What a pitty.

Who wouldn't want more Cleese romancing a small doll?

Yes- It's crossed my mind, but I don't think a second serving of that would sit well.

And NOW- for the news..

I'd like to take the time to reinstate the: "I've done all the hard work clause."

There's no such thing!

Yes there is.

No there isn't.

Yes there is.

No there isn't.

Well this isn't going anywhere.. Anyway, here it tis-

Monty Python's Flying Circus
Poemy.net (Copyright) 2005

Oh, this is copyrighted, oooo, I'm shakin in me boots now..

Sh! (....)


- [ EXTRA ] - [ CLIPS ] - [ TALK ] - [ ABOUT ] - [ EMAIL ] -

DISCLAIMER: The scripts on Poemy.net are for educational and research purposes only. Full credit is given to the copyright owner(s) of the scripts. The scripts fall under the U.S. Code 17/Sec. 107 - Limitations on exclusive rights.

If you like the scripts, I suggest you buy them. There are two volumes:
Volume One Contains: Episodes 1-23 and Volume Two: Episodes 24-45

1. The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus : All the Words, Volume 1 - by Graham Chapman, Monty Python (Paperback)

2. The Complete Monty Python's Flying Circus : All the Words, Volume 2 - by Graham Chapman, et al (Paperback)

Monty Python's Flying Circus: Conceived, written and preformed by Graham Chapman, John Cleese, Terry Gilliam, Eric Idle, Terry Jones, and Michael Palin. (Produced and directed by Ian MacNaughton)

* I'm So Worried - by Terry Jones

" ....
I'm so worried about everything that can go wrong.
I'm so worried about whether people like this song.
I'm so worried about this very next verse,
It isn't the best that I've got.
And I'm so worried about whether I should go on
Or whether I shouldn't just stop.
.... "

[ DOWNLOAD SONG ] - I'm So Worried
(File Length: 00:03:19 - File Size: 585 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Always Look on the Bright Side of Life - by Eric Idle

" ....
Always look on the bright side of life...
(I mean - what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing -
You're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life...
.... "

[ DOWNLOAD SONG ] - Always Look on the Bright Side of Life
(File Length: 00:03:35 - File Size: 631 KB - File Type: MP3)

Backstory: This song is from Life of Brian (used later in The Meaning of Life). Rumor has it- they were filming the last scene of Life of Brian and were all bored and hot sitting up on their crucifixes. So Eric Idle started singing a little ditty. Everyone (but Eric) liked it so much that they decided to use it.

* Finland Finland Finland - by Michael Palin

" ....
Finland, Finland, Finland,
The country where I want to be,
Eating breakfast or dinner,
Or snack lunch in the hall,
Finland, Finland, Finland,
Finland has it all.
.... "

[ DOWNLOAD SONG ] - Finland Finland Finland
(File Length: 00:02:03 - File Size: 363 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Argument Clinic - Flying Circus (Episode 29)

Man: An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Other Man: No it isn't!
Man: Yes it is! 'tisn't just contradiction.
Other Man: Look, if I "argue" with you, I must take up a contrary position!
Man: Yes but it isn't just saying ' no it isn't '.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Argument Clinic
(File Length: 00:03:38 - File Size: 534 KB - File Type: WAV)

* Pet Conversions - Flying Circus (Episode 10)

Man: No I need it for tomorrow. It's a present.
Shopkeeper: Oh dear, it's a long job. You see parrot conversion ... Tell you what though, for free, terriers make lovely fish. I mean I could do that for you straight away. Legs off, fins on, stick a little pipe through the back of its neck so it can breathe, bit of gold paint, make good ...
Man: You'd need a very big tank.
Shopkeeper: It's a great conversation piece.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Pet Conversions
(File Length: 00:01:30 - File Size: 704 KB - File Type: WAV)

* Cheese Shop - Flying Circus (Episode 24)

Wenslydale: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer: Oh, I like it runny.
Wenslydale: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Wenslydale: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Cheese Shop
(File Length: 00:04:07 - File Size: 603 KB - File Type: WAV)

* There's Been a Murder - Flying Circus (Episode 22)

Doctor: Ring the police?
Muffin: Ring the police. Yes, that's a good idea. Get them over here fast ... no, on second thoughts, get them over here slowly, so they don't drop anything.
Mother: Shall I make us all a cup of tea?
Muffin: Make what you like, Boskovitch - it won't help you in court.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - There's Been a Murder
(File Length: 00:03:10 - File Size: 928 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Psychiatrist Milkman - Flying Circus (Episode 16)

Milkman: (does some adding up and whistling) Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupled with acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex.
Lady: You are a bloody milkman.
Milkman: Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Psychiatrist Milkman
(File Length: 00:01:31 - File Size: 445 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Tobacconists - Flying Circus (Episode 14)

Customer: I come about your advert - 'Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition'.
Shopkeeper: Ah. You wish to buy it?
Customer: That's fight. Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay more'n a fiver cos it aint worth it.
Shopkeeper: Well it's come from a very good home - it's house trained.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Tobacconists
(File Length: 00:01:23 - File Size: 245 KB - File Type: WAV)

* Buying a Bed - Flying Circus (Episode 8)

Husband and Wife: Eight hundred pounds?
Mr Lambert: Excuse me, sir, but before I go, I ought to have told you that Mr Verity does tend to exaggerate. Every figure he gives you will be ten times too high.
Husband: I see.
Mr Lambert: Otherwise he's perfectly all right.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Buying a Bed
(File Length: 00:03:56 - File Size: 922 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Man Who Says Words in the Wrong Order - Flying Circus (Episode 36)

Burrows: Well, absolutely, and what makes it worse, sometimes at the end of a sentence I'll come out with the wrong fusebox.
Thripshaw: Fusebox?
Burrows: And the thing about saying the wrong word is a) I don't notice it, and b) sometimes orange water given bucket of plaster.
Thripshaw: Yes, tell me more about your problem.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Man Who Says Words in the Wrong Order
(File Length: 00:01:49 - File Size: 641 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Court Scene (Charades) - Flying Circus (Episode 15)

Judge: Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them emigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, England makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labour and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. Well I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Court Scene (Charades)
(File Length: 00:05:09 - File Size: 680 KB - File Type: WAV)

* Registrar (Wife Swap) - Flying Circus (Episode 21)

Man: Look, make it simpler, I'll pay again.
Registrar: No, you can't do that.
Man: Look, all I want you to do is change the wife, say the words, blah, blab, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.
Registrar: I'm sorry sir, but we're not allowed to change.
Man: You can at Harrods.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Registrar (Wife Swap)
(File Length: 00:01:00 - File Size: 293 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Kilimanjaro Expedition (Double Vision) - Flying Circus (Episode 9)

Bob: And what routes will you both be taking?
Sir: Good questions... shall I? Well we'll be leaving on January 22nd and taking the following routes. (goes over to large map, clearly labelled Surrey) The A23s through Purleys down on the main roads near Purbrights avoiding Leatherheads and then taking thc A231s entering Rottingdeans from the North. From Rottingdeans we go through Africa to Nairobis. We take the South road out of Nairobis for about twelve miles and then ask.
Bob: Does anyone speak Swahili, sir?
Sir: Oh, yes I think most of them do down there.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Kilimanjaro Expedition (Double Vision)
(File Length: 00:04:51 - File Size: 1.39 MB - File Type: MP3)

* The Smuggler - Flying Circus (Episode 5)

Officer: Switzerland - where they make the watches.
Man: Oh, nice shed you've got here.
Officer: Have you, er, got any Swiss currency, sir?
Man: No... just the watches... er just my watch, er, my watch on the currency... I've kept a watch of the currency, and l've watched it and I haven't got any.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - The Smuggler
(File Length: 00:03:02 - File Size: 892 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Fish License - Flying Circus (Episode 23)

Praline: No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric. Eric fish. He's an halibut.
Clerk: What?
Praline: He is an halibut.
Clerk: You've got a pet halibut?
Praline: Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.
Clerk: You must be a loony.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Fish License
(File Length: 00:02:49 - File Size: 664 KB - File Type: MP3)

* It's the Arts - Flying Circus (Episode 1)

Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward or anything!
Host: Thank you. Um, incidentally, do call me Tom. I don't want you bothering with this 'Thomas' nonsense! Ha ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...
Ross: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".
Host: What?
Ross: I don't like being called "Eddie Baby".

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - It's the Arts
(File Length: 00:02:42 - File Size: 792 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Lifeboat (Cannibalism) - Flying Circus (Episode 26)

Sailor #5: Why don't you want to eat me?
Sailor #3: I'd rather eat Johnson, sir! (points to sailor #4)
Sailor #2: So would I, sir.
Sailor #5: I see.
Sailor #4: Well that's settled then...everyone's gonna eat me!

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Lifeboat (Cannibalism)
(File Length: 00:03:36 - File Size: 1.24 MB - File Type: MP3)

* Johann Gambolputty.. von Hautkopft of Ulm - Flying Circus (Episode 6)

Figgis: Beethoven,.Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, Panties ...I'm sorry ... Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern ... (goes on)

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Johann Gambolputty.. von Hautkopft of Ulm
(File Length: 00:03:29 - File Size: 0.99 MB - File Type: MP3)

* Mr. Hilter - Flying Circus (Episode 12)

Johnson: Ah yes. Well, you'll want the A39. Oh, no, you've got the wrong map there. This is Stalingrad. You want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.
Hilter: Ah! Stalingrad! Ha ha ha, Heinri...Reginald, you have the wrong map here you silly old leg-before-vicket English person.
Himmler: I'm sorry mein Fuhrer, mein (cough) mein Dickie old chum.
Landlady: Oh, lucky Mr Johnson pointed that out. You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you? Ha ha. (stony silence) I said, you wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you?
Hilter: Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Mr. Hilter
(File Length: 00:03:22 - File Size: 990 KB - File Type: MP3)

* 'A Book at Bedtime' - Flying Circus (Episode 38)

Jeremy: Hello. (he follows the words closely with a finger and reads with great difficulty) The sunsoot... the siunsiett... the sunset! .. the sunset... waas... was was... the sunset was... deeing ... d ... ying dying... o ... over... the ... hile ... hiel.., heels ... halls ... hills! of... slow ... Sol ... way ... Firth... The... love piper... the lone piper... the lone piper... on... the .., bait ... ly ... ments ... (smiles nervously) ... of Edingrund ... dydburing... Edingbir... Edinburgh! Castle ... was... siluted ... sil ... sillhou...

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - 'A Book at Bedtime'
(File Length: 00:01:44 - File Size: 1.19 MB - File Type: MP3)

* Exploding Penguin on TV Set - Flying Circus (Episode 22)

Second Pepperpot: Why'd'j say that?
First Pepperpot: I panicked.
Second Pepperpot: Oh.
First Pepperpot: Per'aps it's from the zoo.
Second Pepperpot: Which zoo?

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Exploding Penguin on TV Set
(File Length: 00:02:29 - File Size: 728 KB - File Type: MP3)

* How to Feed a Goldfish - Flying Circus (Episode 26)

Voice Over: Who wrote that?

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - How to Feed a Goldfish
(File Length: 00:00:51 - File Size: 299 KB - File Type: MP3)

* Dung / Dead Indian - Flying Circus (Episode 19)

Man: Your dung. Three hundredweight of heavy droppings. Where do you want it? ('he looks round for a likely place)
Host: I didn't order any dung.
Man: Yes you did, sir. You ordered it through the Book of the Month Club.
Host: Book of the Month Club?
Man: That's fight, sir. You get 'Gone with the Wind', 'Les Miserables' by Victor Hugo, 'The French Lieutenant's Woman' and with every third book you get dung.

[ DOWNLOAD SKETCH ] - Dung / Dead Indian
(File Length: 00:01:50 - File Size: 647 KB - File Type: MP3)

"It's just not enough to be a fan. You must make a webpage about it."
- Cox